I have until next Thursday to (a) become successful and (b) die, in order to become a member of the 27 Club. It’s strange to be turning 28. I feel like I’m just getting comfortable with the idea of being 24. I suppose everyone feels the same, every age happens before you’re ready. I think, with the possible exception of turning 18, every age is either met with apathy or dread.

I try not to think too deeply about my age these days. I know that I’m on my own journey and my own path and I’ll get to where I’m going eventually. All I can do is work hard and try not to be a dickhead. I think excessive life pondering is bad for the brain. I think a lot of men get caught up in it. A lot of men have notions about what makes a man a man and the nature of masculinity. That’s how men get caught up in Joe Rogan podcasts and then suddenly they’re either obsessed with conspiracy theories or they’re into the alt right.

There’s a lot of pseudo intellectualism in the masculinity pondering that goes on and Fight Club has a strange place in all of that. From watching it, it’s hard to tell if it’s an example of the nonsense or a criticism of it. It’s hard to tell if this is a warning about angry men or if this is a film for angry men. I think the grey area of that is what is dangerous about a film like this. It can become a cult film for both sides and in that way it’s hard to decide on where it ranks for me. It’s either a critique on masculinity-pondering arseholes or it’s some masculinity-pondering arseholes critiquing society.

In terms of the cast there’s some good roles in there. Ed Norton is his usual solid self. Brad Pitt is probably part of the reason the film works. His Tyler Durden probably works so well because he is exactly the type of character that teenage boys love. He has some good fashion choices and I wonder, if Fight Club had been made today, would the guys in college with me, who bought and wore the Drive jacket, have tried to rock the red leather jacket?

And then there’s Helena Bonham Carter as Marla. This is the bit that I haven’t really heard dealt with. Audiences love these films with tortured male protagonists. Without getting too deep into it or ruining it for anyone, Marla gets a rough deal here. She gets treated like shit. It’s probably telling, that in a film that appeals to so many men, the female character puts up with so much abuse.

There we go. I like the film but there’s a whole series of school essays to be written about the levels of bullshit going on. That’s the end of the hot takes from me.

As I write more posts for this blog, I think it’s hard to ignore the timing of starting writing again. I wrote a lot about dealing with lockdown, working from home and not seeing a lot of people. I was making pretty big lifestyle changes at the time. I started eating better and exercising more. I tried to get my shit organized.

A big thing that I didn’t really write about was that I deleted the Twitter and Facebook apps from my phone. I was feeling angry all the time. There’s only so much curation you can do of the people you follow. You can’t curate the people that they follow. You can only mute so many friends or people you care about before you have to have a closer look at the problem. I think I’m tired of comment sections, headline reactions and viral videos. I’m just maxed out.

I tweeted or commented because I thought I had funny or interesting things to say. But then there’s the anxiety that comes with interaction online. Will I get likes and retweets and shit? Why do I care?

So here we are, writing a blog about music and movies and things I think about that I won’t share anywhere so nobody can fucking read it.

Why?

I think there’s two parts.

Part 1: I want to put my ideas down and have a record of some things. I’m open to conversation about them but I’d prefer to have a more long form discussion rather than just tweets or instant messages. I’ve tried writing emails to a few people over the years as almost a pen pal setup and it’s something I’ve always enjoyed.

Part 2: I want to have a backlog of content so that, if I decide to share this blog, it’s actually up and running.

I never think about these intro parts before I sit down to write because they’re supposed to just be what’s going on for me. At the moment I have a backlog of films to write about so tonight I started writing without checking what was the next film on my list. It’s funny that sometimes these things have a way of tying in together unintentionally.

Quite a while ago at this point, I watched Inside Llewyn Davis. I don’t think I wanted to at the time, but I can kind of identify with our pal Llewyn Davis (played by one of my favourite dudes, Oscar Isaac) in some ways. He’s a bastard, trapped in a cycle, trying to keep going with the same thing that just doesn’t seem to be working. In his case he’s running out of friends and options and trying his best to burn bridges which isn’t my style but he’s egotistical and he’s angry and it’s kinda his own fault that he’s angry a lot of the time. And I get that. It’s pretty impressive that you can really dislike Llewyn for the most part because Oscar Isaac is somebody I like a lot. I think he’s at his best when he flips it like this.

There’s a bunch of classic Coen Brothers set ups going on – the trip in the car with John Goodman and his driver – but the highlight of the film for me has to be the insane novelty song that Llewyn is brought in to work on with Justin Timberlake and Adam Driver’s characters.  You see Llewyn, unable to help himself from talking shit about the song. And you get some of the absurdity that Llewyn is forced to attract so he can keep himself afloat.

I liked it a lot

I have a back log of films to write about. The thing about liking films and trying to write about them is I’m watching films quicker than I write about them. WordPress has a feature where you can delay the publishing date of a post so I think I’ll have to take a few hours and catch up and release the posts every day for a week or so. At this point, it feels like ages since I watched Zodiac. It’s probably more than three weeks.

Over the last while, I’ve been working on the idea of making the most of the extra time I have because of lockdown. I’ve probably over analysed my plans and I’ve definitely spent enough time writing lists that I could have done most of the things I need to do. Part of the problem is that I’m very aware that I’m trying to change my behaviour and create new, positive and productive habits. About 6 months ago, I started to see that I was constantly fucking things up for future me. I was feeling tired and shitty so I would take the easy shitty option which would then fuck me over later and so I would end up tired and shitty all over again. The easy example is making lunches for work. I won’t make a lunch so I have to buy something shitty the next day. Then I end up feeling shitty from eating shitty food and spending money I didn’t need to spend and the cycle continues. So since I’m aware of this harmful behaviour and I’m super conscious of trying to change it.

One thing I’ve realised is that there are certain types of film that I get super excited about. Newspapers, police, America between World War II and 1990, Mark Ruffalo. And what combines these things? Zodiac.

It’s so good. Jake Gyllenhaal, Robert Downey Jr, Mark Ruffalo. All great. Lots of great people in the supporting cast – Chloé Sevigny and Dermot Mulroney. It’s an amazing cast and it shows that these people really bought into the idea of the film. I think sometimes a film can be good based on the strength of the story alone. The film making process can add nothing and just bring the story to the screen and it can be a film that you can enjoy. And I think the story of Zodiac is probably one of those kind of stories but then the team behind it add so much more. It has really made me think about how I rate films. If I were to rate films by putting them into categories, Zodiac would have to be in whatever the top category was. It’s unusual that something can be so long and so consistent straight through. It’s top notch. The scene where Jake Gyllenhaal’s character goes to see the man who makes the movie theatre posters is so tense.

*Chef’s kiss*

Spoiler Alerts if you haven’t seen Lost in Translation.

Lost in Translation is almost a good film but it’s just not good. Sometimes a film boils down to one plot point that can decide where you stand on it forever. For me, Lost in Translation had to make a decision. Was it: a), a film about a platonic relationship between two people at different points in their lives who had something to learn from one another, or b), a shitty film about a romance. And in reality, the closer it strayed towards option b without crossing the line into romance the more interesting it could have been. It was a high risk game and it fucking botched it at the last minute.  The end result is weird.

I really don’t want to devote too much time or though to this so I’m just going to bullet point some thoughts.

• The kiss ruins the film. At best it takes away from the mystery of the romance and at worst it’s a plot line cop out that takes the rug out from underneath an interesting look at friendship. Debatable but stupid.
• I’ll never understand Bill Murray as some kind of alternative romantic lead.
• Scarlett Johansson was pretty good.
• There are some weird racist moments.
• I like Giovanni Ribisi. It felt like there was a lot there that could have been explored but not going into it was good for the context of his relationship with Scarlett Johansson’s character and the uncertainty she feels about him.

That’s it for this one. Didn’t like it so not going to get to into it. I’m going to do a second post today about music.

An after note: I wrote this on the day of the title’s date. I’m not sure why it didn’t post originally, but since I’m not at a point where I feel like sharing these things yet, a lack of feedback for this post didn’t seem out of place. It was only when I came back to post today that anything seemed out of place. So here it is…

Sometimes it’s tough to have a whinge about something in writing. If I was complaining in conversation, I would happily name and shame people all over the place, but I think writing something critical about people you don’t know can be a shitty thing to do if they aren’t hurting anyone.

But then sometimes I just want to complain about things.

I was reading about a song that I like and I came across an interview where the artist spoke about the meaning of the song. The song was based on their reaction to reading an article by someone I had never heard of. The article was about the role of men in teaching younger men. It’s an idea I find interesting because I think the only way to deal with toxic masculinity is by engaging with and looking at male role models. The author turned out to be a famous and critically acclaimed guy who deals with these kind of themes. The thing about it is the original interview never said what the name of the article was. And that’s fine,  but what’s not fine is that the same exact thing is said in loads of interviews with the artist without anyone ever finding out the name of the article. I think what I find so crappy about it is the lack of curiosity and research and I think it really gives you a look behind the curtain of interviewing. The writers have to say shit is interesting and cool but it’s obviously just information they got from a press release or that they stole from another interview. Fuck that, man. It’s either laziness or falseness and both are bullshit.

It feels unfair to segue into talking about Mute now, but at the same time it makes sense. Mute has good characters, a good cast, a good universe, a good idea and then just a weak story. I think sometimes films are written like that and they put all their attention into those first parts and then forget a story.  Mute should be really cool, but it’s not  doing the hard work. The characters are deadly. Leo, played by Alexander Skarsgård, is the mute of the title and he’s a classic sci fi/ comic book cool protagonist. The fact that he can’t talk is bad ass. It always is in these type of stories. Cactus, played by Paul Rudd, is great and the way he develops is fun and uses Paul Rudd’s likeability and charisma really well. Justin Theroux is in there as a weirdo too and I generally think he’s great. Robert Sheehan and Dominic Monaghan are floating around in the kind of way that really shows you that Duncan Jones can get people to do weird little roles. The universe is cool. It’s a futuristic Berlin. There’s Cold War tones and American military in there. It looks great.

But then the story is only ok. It’s there, but it’s nothing incredible. In truth, it almost wants to be Guy Ritchie caper. Leo is following clues and then there’s a twist that’s been hiding right in front of the viewer the whole time. It’s just not as smart as it thinks it is. The film is actually saved by the fact that reviews for it are terrible, because it’s not as bad as the critics say. It’s just not great and kinda lacking in substance.

Well it’s been a long gap since I last wrote. Last week was a one of those weeks where you fight just to get to the end. You can’t do anything other than the unavoidable. So in my case, I worked, I ran and I played Call of Duty online with my friends. To be fair, that’s pretty good going – work, exercise and social interaction (as far as anyone can socialize). It has meant that my productive plans took a back seat, but hey, you gotta stay alive. On the film side of things I have a bit of a build up of things to write about so I think this will be a long entry with my general thoughts on life and the first film and then there will probably be a couple of short entries over the next few days to catch up.

I’ve been trying hard to be productive so I don’t lose my mind. Over the weekend I cleaned out the garden shed with my mom. It wasn’t a massive job but we really sorted it out and once it was done I really felt like I’d earned my time sitting around. When I can’t go anywhere I really get cabin fever from just sitting around so getting things done prevents that. I’m also trying to mix up my relaxing time. I’ve been trying to watch more films instead of playing FIFA. FIFA is a real crutch for me because it’s so mindless but I always feel like it’s such a waste because there is no substance to it. I’ll always prefer a narrative to FIFA but FIFA is always the easiest thing to go to. I’m trying to break it up by playing more guitar and I am getting back into the swing of that. I’m focusing on songs I can sing along to because I’m a shitty guitar player and I love a sing song. I’m saving up some musical thoughts for a later post so I’ll park that there.

One of the best things I’ve done with my time lately was watching Manchester by the Sea. It is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen. I was recommending it to someone and they asked what it was about and my explanation was a sad thing happens to a man who gets sad and then another sad thing happens to him forcing him to deal with his original sadness and more new sadness. It’s the bleakest thing I’ve seen in a long time but it’s incredible. Casey Affleck is great. He plays a man, Lee Chandler, whose brother dies and he has to come back to his hometown to look after his nephew. His performance is really understated and he really suits the role. I think part of what I like is that things aren’t over explained. People’s emotions are conveyed by actions and they don’t have to tell you what they feel or think. The scene where Lee arrives at the hospital when his brother has died is great. The doctor is telling Lee about what happened and he interrupts him and just says “fuck this”. I think it feels like a real reaction. Casey Affleck really makes Lee seem like a man who is really trying to hold his shit together and is struggling. There is a scene at the end that feels like the conclusion to the story that is really powerful. I’m not going to get into it because it needs to be seen. If anyone ever reads this and has seen the film reach out to talk about it because it’s incredible and I could talk about it for ages but I really don’t want to ruin it.

Thinking of some little notes that I liked, the setting is New England again. Afflecks and New England is no surprise I suppose. We’re outside Boston this time. It’s a city by the sea and it’s funny, it’s so picturesque and dramatic that it reminded me of a Wes Anderson film. Obviously it’s the tonal opposite though.

The kid is great too. He’s played by Lucas Hedges. He works very well with Casey Affleck and there’s times when he’s a little bollocks and times where you really get him. His band are terrible.

Michelle Williams has a great scene later in the film that really changes the course of the story. Again, she’s very understated and she’s exactly what the role needed.

I really liked it. It’s not an easy watch but it’s 100% worth it.

This was the week that I lost it. I’m having a lot of trouble with the lack of control I have over my own life. It’s something I’ve always struggled with I think. When I was younger and I felt I had to deal with things that I didn’t want to deal with, I used to do mad things like cut my own hair or shave off beards. As I’ve grown older and it’s become less socially acceptable to make manic changes to one’s appearance, I’ve moved on to spending money that I shouldn’t or just being a bastard when I’m stressed out by things I’m supposed to do but don’t want to. Being a contrary prick isn’t really a sustainable lifestyle, so as I’ve become more aware of the signs that that’s where I’m heading I’ve tried to make changes.

Considering I’ve been in lockdown for three weeks, I’m doing alright. The middle of this week was tough though. I’ve been working on the same thing in work for a long time and it had been acting as a constant for me in these weird times. It was like the world was upside down but at least work was staying the same. This week I had to move on to something new and urgent so I really felt under pressure for a few days. I ended up in terrible form from Wednesday to Friday morning. I’m not sure what changed for me to go back to normal, but I’m feeling fine again. When I was in shitty form, all my plans went out the window. I’ve been making lists everyday of what I need to do and of what I did the day before so I’ve really felt like I’m getting things done but that all stopped.

That’s why I’m writing this now. I watched Nightcrawler on Monday. I tried to watch it once before a few years ago but I found it too uncomfortable so I gave up. It was worth persevering with. It’s creepy and gross and Jake Gyllenhaal’s character, Lou, is repulsive. He’s a bizarre creation, made of a combination of unreasonable confidence and determination, naivety and insanity. He reminds me of lots of people I’ve encountered who seem smart but turn out to just have read things online. Basically, what you see as he becomes successful is that the only thing holding these people back is the authority they act with. There’s a line where shamelessly faking it til you make it just becomes doing it. He’s a mad character when you think about it. He has no back story and that’s intentional on the part of the film makers and it does make him more mysterious. He has no conscience and pushes for his goals no matter what. He has the capacity for violence but he’s invested in getting into a legal career.

My favourite scene is where Lou is offered the job running his rival’s second van. It’s a weird scene, Jake Gyllenhaal doesn’t do a whole lot of talking. Watching it back as I write, I like Lou’s clothes throughout the film. He has a very consistent style, preppy but cool. Bill Paxton is great. I like that he keeps calling Lou “Brah”. The scene shows the change in Lou. He would have killed for the offer at the beginning of the film but by this point he has outgrown it.

I liked Nightcrawler a lot. I have a lot of time for Jake Gyllenhaal and I always wanted to come back and watch it. I guess all it took was a pandemic.

I’m getting a bit restless in lockdown. I’ve had two bad facial hair experiments so far. I’m  resisting the urge to try to cut my hair. My sleep pattern has slipped this weekend so my routine is messed up. It’s tough to focus on work when working from home but at least it gives a bit of routine. I feel for anyone who doesn’t have an enforced structure on their days in this crazy time. I know there’s people dealing with emergency services and things who have it worse, but there’s a real danger of losing your grip in this weird lockdown world. The kids who live next door to me have been pretty inspiring. I’m pretty sure they’ve just bounced on their trampoline and laughed for the last four weeks and that’s some good work when you’re a kid who can’t go outside.

I watched Argo on Saturday night. More Ben Affleck. It’s good. Not as good as The Town but it’s good. Ben Affleck had very bad hair and I found that distracting. I think part of the problem is the tidied true story. It’s based on real events but things are tidied up to make it something else. It’s like on the sound engineer’s board of levels they crank up the dials marked “Angry Iranians” and “Heroic Americans” and turn down “Help from other countries” and “Ben Affleck isn’t Hispanic”. It’s funny that something based on a true story can seem not real. I think it suffers by comparison to The Town and maybe having seen the two so close together took something away from Argo.

It is good though. Ben Affleck is great except for his hair. The rest of the cast are good. John Goodman and Alan Arkin are entertaining. The excellently named Scoot McNairy is good as the complainy hostage. To give the film credit, the final third is a rolling series of very good and tense scenes cutting across all the various characters playing their parts in the caper which works very well.

I think my next project for this blog will be to put together a rankings list to compare the films I’ve written about. I need to do some thinking into how that will work. There’s some ambitious options but there’s always the danger I’ll give up and just use a spread sheet. So far everything I’ve written about in this incarnation of the blog has been something I hadn’t seen before so I don’t have to worry about rewatch value and value of surprise in my ratings but that’ll be something to consider as well. We’ll see how it goes.

In the meantime, I will continue to write about any films I watch and the ideas I have about them and I might have some thoughts on music in the next few days.

Netflix is a load of shit really isn’t it? I’m looking for things to watch and it’s all multi episode documentaries and shitty Netflix originals films. It’s just aimed at the lowest common denominator, nothing anyone ever wanted but things that can go on in the background.

I tried to watch “The Irishman” and I lasted 18 minutes. It’s just some jobs for the lads shite . It’s like “Ocean’s Eleven”, the only people who wanted that film were the people in it and people who are obsessed with liking the correct films. If your favourite film is a Scorsese then you need to go do a gap year and grow a personality. “The Irishman” is too fucking long. It’s arrogant to think you deserve people’s attention for that long in one setting. The opening 20 minutes is Old Man Robert De Niro, telling a story about Not As Old Robert De Niro, remembering a story about Younger Robert De Niro. At that point, I don’t care. And it just looks like “Arctic Express” with Tom Hanks.

So somehow after all that I ended up watching “You Were Never Really Here” with Joaquin Phoenix. I liked it, but there’s a lot to think about from it. It’s short, which you might have noticed is a positive quality to me right now. It’s less than 90 minutes and it’s almost exclusively Joaquin Phoenix. I think I like him as an actor. He’s generally pretty solid in things, but, between this and “Joker”, I wouldn’t bet against “Taxi Driver” being the only film he’s ever seen.

The mad thing to me was that as I was watching the film my opinion changed. Up until about half way through I thought it was a bit of a lazy idea. It had a 90s comic book vibe of these cool anti hero cliches with a bit of John Wick noble gruesome violence on top. But then it snapped back to reality. I don’t want to ruin anything but I also don’t feel like it’s a real twisty kind of film. To keep it vague, it involves underage sex trafficking by influential white guys in America. The response of the “bad guys” seems overly powerful and very black and white evil. But then I remembered Jeffrey Epstein and suddenly it became much more real.  I feel like if I’d watched this pre-2019 it wouldn’t have had the same impact on me at all.

Two scenes I liked:

When Joe fights the police officer in the hotel room with the mirror on the ceiling. Visually nice while also very brutal.

When the man dies in Joe’s kitchen. Intense.

That’s it. I’m feeling cabin fever-y. I’m trying to eat well and exercise while working from home and it’s all getting on top of me. I’m going to go play a board game.