This was the week that I lost it. I’m having a lot of trouble with the lack of control I have over my own life. It’s something I’ve always struggled with I think. When I was younger and I felt I had to deal with things that I didn’t want to deal with, I used to do mad things like cut my own hair or shave off beards. As I’ve grown older and it’s become less socially acceptable to make manic changes to one’s appearance, I’ve moved on to spending money that I shouldn’t or just being a bastard when I’m stressed out by things I’m supposed to do but don’t want to. Being a contrary prick isn’t really a sustainable lifestyle, so as I’ve become more aware of the signs that that’s where I’m heading I’ve tried to make changes.

Considering I’ve been in lockdown for three weeks, I’m doing alright. The middle of this week was tough though. I’ve been working on the same thing in work for a long time and it had been acting as a constant for me in these weird times. It was like the world was upside down but at least work was staying the same. This week I had to move on to something new and urgent so I really felt under pressure for a few days. I ended up in terrible form from Wednesday to Friday morning. I’m not sure what changed for me to go back to normal, but I’m feeling fine again. When I was in shitty form, all my plans went out the window. I’ve been making lists everyday of what I need to do and of what I did the day before so I’ve really felt like I’m getting things done but that all stopped.

That’s why I’m writing this now. I watched Nightcrawler on Monday. I tried to watch it once before a few years ago but I found it too uncomfortable so I gave up. It was worth persevering with. It’s creepy and gross and Jake Gyllenhaal’s character, Lou, is repulsive. He’s a bizarre creation, made of a combination of unreasonable confidence and determination, naivety and insanity. He reminds me of lots of people I’ve encountered who seem smart but turn out to just have read things online. Basically, what you see as he becomes successful is that the only thing holding these people back is the authority they act with. There’s a line where shamelessly faking it til you make it just becomes doing it. He’s a mad character when you think about it. He has no back story and that’s intentional on the part of the film makers and it does make him more mysterious. He has no conscience and pushes for his goals no matter what. He has the capacity for violence but he’s invested in getting into a legal career.

My favourite scene is where Lou is offered the job running his rival’s second van. It’s a weird scene, Jake Gyllenhaal doesn’t do a whole lot of talking. Watching it back as I write, I like Lou’s clothes throughout the film. He has a very consistent style, preppy but cool. Bill Paxton is great. I like that he keeps calling Lou “Brah”. The scene shows the change in Lou. He would have killed for the offer at the beginning of the film but by this point he has outgrown it.

I liked Nightcrawler a lot. I have a lot of time for Jake Gyllenhaal and I always wanted to come back and watch it. I guess all it took was a pandemic.