I have until next Thursday to (a) become successful and (b) die, in order to become a member of the 27 Club. It’s strange to be turning 28. I feel like I’m just getting comfortable with the idea of being 24. I suppose everyone feels the same, every age happens before you’re ready. I think, with the possible exception of turning 18, every age is either met with apathy or dread.

I try not to think too deeply about my age these days. I know that I’m on my own journey and my own path and I’ll get to where I’m going eventually. All I can do is work hard and try not to be a dickhead. I think excessive life pondering is bad for the brain. I think a lot of men get caught up in it. A lot of men have notions about what makes a man a man and the nature of masculinity. That’s how men get caught up in Joe Rogan podcasts and then suddenly they’re either obsessed with conspiracy theories or they’re into the alt right.

There’s a lot of pseudo intellectualism in the masculinity pondering that goes on and Fight Club has a strange place in all of that. From watching it, it’s hard to tell if it’s an example of the nonsense or a criticism of it. It’s hard to tell if this is a warning about angry men or if this is a film for angry men. I think the grey area of that is what is dangerous about a film like this. It can become a cult film for both sides and in that way it’s hard to decide on where it ranks for me. It’s either a critique on masculinity-pondering arseholes or it’s some masculinity-pondering arseholes critiquing society.

In terms of the cast there’s some good roles in there. Ed Norton is his usual solid self. Brad Pitt is probably part of the reason the film works. His Tyler Durden probably works so well because he is exactly the type of character that teenage boys love. He has some good fashion choices and I wonder, if Fight Club had been made today, would the guys in college with me, who bought and wore the Drive jacket, have tried to rock the red leather jacket?

And then there’s Helena Bonham Carter as Marla. This is the bit that I haven’t really heard dealt with. Audiences love these films with tortured male protagonists. Without getting too deep into it or ruining it for anyone, Marla gets a rough deal here. She gets treated like shit. It’s probably telling, that in a film that appeals to so many men, the female character puts up with so much abuse.

There we go. I like the film but there’s a whole series of school essays to be written about the levels of bullshit going on. That’s the end of the hot takes from me.

As I write more posts for this blog, I think it’s hard to ignore the timing of starting writing again. I wrote a lot about dealing with lockdown, working from home and not seeing a lot of people. I was making pretty big lifestyle changes at the time. I started eating better and exercising more. I tried to get my shit organized.

A big thing that I didn’t really write about was that I deleted the Twitter and Facebook apps from my phone. I was feeling angry all the time. There’s only so much curation you can do of the people you follow. You can’t curate the people that they follow. You can only mute so many friends or people you care about before you have to have a closer look at the problem. I think I’m tired of comment sections, headline reactions and viral videos. I’m just maxed out.

I tweeted or commented because I thought I had funny or interesting things to say. But then there’s the anxiety that comes with interaction online. Will I get likes and retweets and shit? Why do I care?

So here we are, writing a blog about music and movies and things I think about that I won’t share anywhere so nobody can fucking read it.

Why?

I think there’s two parts.

Part 1: I want to put my ideas down and have a record of some things. I’m open to conversation about them but I’d prefer to have a more long form discussion rather than just tweets or instant messages. I’ve tried writing emails to a few people over the years as almost a pen pal setup and it’s something I’ve always enjoyed.

Part 2: I want to have a backlog of content so that, if I decide to share this blog, it’s actually up and running.

I never think about these intro parts before I sit down to write because they’re supposed to just be what’s going on for me. At the moment I have a backlog of films to write about so tonight I started writing without checking what was the next film on my list. It’s funny that sometimes these things have a way of tying in together unintentionally.

Quite a while ago at this point, I watched Inside Llewyn Davis. I don’t think I wanted to at the time, but I can kind of identify with our pal Llewyn Davis (played by one of my favourite dudes, Oscar Isaac) in some ways. He’s a bastard, trapped in a cycle, trying to keep going with the same thing that just doesn’t seem to be working. In his case he’s running out of friends and options and trying his best to burn bridges which isn’t my style but he’s egotistical and he’s angry and it’s kinda his own fault that he’s angry a lot of the time. And I get that. It’s pretty impressive that you can really dislike Llewyn for the most part because Oscar Isaac is somebody I like a lot. I think he’s at his best when he flips it like this.

There’s a bunch of classic Coen Brothers set ups going on – the trip in the car with John Goodman and his driver – but the highlight of the film for me has to be the insane novelty song that Llewyn is brought in to work on with Justin Timberlake and Adam Driver’s characters.  You see Llewyn, unable to help himself from talking shit about the song. And you get some of the absurdity that Llewyn is forced to attract so he can keep himself afloat.

I liked it a lot

I have a back log of films to write about. The thing about liking films and trying to write about them is I’m watching films quicker than I write about them. WordPress has a feature where you can delay the publishing date of a post so I think I’ll have to take a few hours and catch up and release the posts every day for a week or so. At this point, it feels like ages since I watched Zodiac. It’s probably more than three weeks.

Over the last while, I’ve been working on the idea of making the most of the extra time I have because of lockdown. I’ve probably over analysed my plans and I’ve definitely spent enough time writing lists that I could have done most of the things I need to do. Part of the problem is that I’m very aware that I’m trying to change my behaviour and create new, positive and productive habits. About 6 months ago, I started to see that I was constantly fucking things up for future me. I was feeling tired and shitty so I would take the easy shitty option which would then fuck me over later and so I would end up tired and shitty all over again. The easy example is making lunches for work. I won’t make a lunch so I have to buy something shitty the next day. Then I end up feeling shitty from eating shitty food and spending money I didn’t need to spend and the cycle continues. So since I’m aware of this harmful behaviour and I’m super conscious of trying to change it.

One thing I’ve realised is that there are certain types of film that I get super excited about. Newspapers, police, America between World War II and 1990, Mark Ruffalo. And what combines these things? Zodiac.

It’s so good. Jake Gyllenhaal, Robert Downey Jr, Mark Ruffalo. All great. Lots of great people in the supporting cast – Chloé Sevigny and Dermot Mulroney. It’s an amazing cast and it shows that these people really bought into the idea of the film. I think sometimes a film can be good based on the strength of the story alone. The film making process can add nothing and just bring the story to the screen and it can be a film that you can enjoy. And I think the story of Zodiac is probably one of those kind of stories but then the team behind it add so much more. It has really made me think about how I rate films. If I were to rate films by putting them into categories, Zodiac would have to be in whatever the top category was. It’s unusual that something can be so long and so consistent straight through. It’s top notch. The scene where Jake Gyllenhaal’s character goes to see the man who makes the movie theatre posters is so tense.

*Chef’s kiss*