2 May 2023 – A return

I took a break from this blog at the end of September 2021. I had just moved. I was back working from the office most days. I was in a burnout. I think I probably could have tipped along at it for another while and been ok, but then external shit came into play.

On the 29th of September, I tore the ACL in my left knee. I proper fucked the knee. ACL torn, some MCL, bits of fracturing where my knee had slid out of place and then snapped back into place. I’d spent all of covid running with the idea of being super fit when I was able to play football again. So much for that.

A physical injury is one thing, but I think the worst part was how I started to feel. I was physically vulnerable. I spent about 12 weeks on crutches between waiting for surgery and recovery. I had the fear.

At the same time, I was feeling bad about work. I applied for another job. I got it. I went against my gut feeling because the money was a lot better. It was a really terrible job.

We got covid and ruined Christmas.

My grandmother died in my first month at the new place. I don’t think my grandad ever really recovered.

I got married in March 2022. It was great. People talk about how the pressure of the day ruins it. I don’t think we felt like that. Maybe we’d change some small details, but it was a great day. I remember watching my family and friends on the dancefloor and just knowing that this was what I’d wanted. We went to Cancun and had a cool honeymoon. I felt good.

The knee was healed by now but I wasn’t putting the full effort into the rehab. I reached a point where I could walk, but I was too scared to run or jump so I didn’t have the drive to get back there.

After the honeymoon, I went back to work and decided I had to leave. I felt isolated and my confidence was through the floor. I moved back to the old job. I felt more secure and less isolated but I had zero confidence.

I got covid and ruined my 30th birthday. I was super run down and my immune system just kept getting overrun. I had covid, then conjuctivitis and then a throat infection.

I did some therapy. It helped. I got some harsh truths, some weakness highlighted, some new perspectives. It was a nice older lady and she told me I was the best boy. I felt a lot better but still not 100%.

I left my job again at the end of 2022. We’re now in Sydney, Australia. I think I should be feeling shitty. My grandad died the week we got here. I don’t have a job. I talk to recruiters and do interviews but people don’t want to give roles to people on working holiday visas. I spend a lot of time on my own. If this was last year, I’d have left a long time ago. It’s not though. I feel ok. I feel relaxed. I feel energised and reinvigorated.

We went to Canberra over the weekend and got rained on for a few days. On the drive home, we talked about where we thought we’d be at this age if we’d been asked 5/10/15 years ago. I don’t know where I thought I’d be, but I definitely thought I’d care more about work than I have over the last few years. I had reached a point where a career intended to enable me to live and be creative without putting pressure on creativity, was taking up so much of my energy that I didn’t feel like I had anything left for me. So I’m going to write again. And I’m dreaming of furniture that I’m going to build. And I’m thinking about bands I want to start when I go home. I feel like I’m out the other side of the burnout. I’m feeling good and I’m going to get back to living.

Anyway, here’s Get Lucky.

2 May 2023 – A return

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